Understand My Dreams

Dreams tears

I dreamt that I discovered I had an adopted brother and sister my entire life, but my parents had never introduced them as that to us so I never realised. It happened really suddenly that I was at home in New Cross, in my room but as an adult, and I think I'd heard some news story about adoption and it had made me think- I wish I had adopted siblings. And all of a sudden it came over me that I did. I'd had an adopted brother this whole time and I had never realised / put 2 and 2 together. I collapsed in tears of joy and sadness at the same time. I ran to where my mum and sister Joanna were tidying away clothes and tried to help and ask questions but I could barely function. My adopted brother was there too - he was a tall, handsome Asian man, very gentle and kind. I asked my mum and dad questions - it turns out they adopted two children, a Polish girl (who was not as close, a difficult adoption it seemed) and this Asian boy, who we had always grown up with and never questioned why. I asked my dad why they never explained to us: "because your mother said you children might not accept / try to sabotage them if you saw them as competition, so decided it was better to not say anything at all." This was classic my parents' approach to parenting- not trusting the kids and keeping their own confidences. I ran away from the room and as I ran I kept collapsing in floods of tears. My whole sense of being and understanding of who I was felt shaken, but I was also overwhelmed with love and affection for this sibling I had never recognised as such. The whole time he was there, quietly and gently present, aware of the emotional roller coaster I was going through and I had hugged him many times in tears already, and apologised for not knowing sooner. I ran upstairs - collapsing in piles of tears alof the way - back to my bedroom where he was in the bed and threw myself into his arms in the darkness and in my tears. I woke up then, not 100% sure if the love I expressed in that moment was more than that for a brother. It was possibly the relief of finding a soul mate. I dreamt this after an argument with my brother who earlier that day said he could not help me / give me advice about my relationship with Ben. I was very hurt and cried a lot - similarly completely overwhelmed / isolated. I felt quite betrayed by him in that moment. He has always been my closest confidante.

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I walk from the upper floor, where the higher years mingle, down to the 2 1/2 floor. I look into glass walled study rooms. A girl I am interested in is there. She comes out and greets me with an uncharacteristcally friendly hug. She looks excited and relieved about something. She leads me towards the stairs that lead out of the building to a beautiful sunset over neatly kept lawns. Before we can decend she is urged by someone on her research team that something needs to finalize some details before submitting. She obliges and implores me to go ahead and she will catch up. I kiss the top right corner of her face and she rushes off with her team. I turn back the way I came to the open stairs that are white, unsupported, and look like they were built to replicate orbital paths. The roof makes the building look spherical. I walk downward and see some friends. I greet them without stopping. Something is on my mind. I have some objective, but I don't know what it is. The whole building shakes and the other stairs fall. People disappear without a trace. I notice a man wearing a dark pink or extremely faded red sweater with the hood up. He seems to be bald. He has a brown and round goatee. He is standing on a scaffolding a floor above me and about 10-20 meters ahead of me. He is armed with a rifle he needs two hands to fire. He sees me and lifts the gun against his should and fast walks towards an exit that leads outside of the building. I wake up in an apartment room. The walls begin at my hips. Beneath the wall there is just a railing like on a flimsy deck. I can see the floor below me. It's a hotel lobby. It's dirty and the lights make everything a shade of piss yellow. The door has a lock, and an opaque window that takes up most of the top center. There is a second opaque window that is as tall as the door on the same side as the lock on the door. Someone in the lobby came and asked about me. I lay down and pretend to be asleep since they could see me if I was standing. The man at the desk points to my room. The man asking about me is dressed in all black and is wearing a comically large brimmed hat with a red feather. He pulls a 2 meter long weapon from his suit case and aims it towards where he thinks I am sleeping and fires. It's less than a few inches from my head. The whole pours out light, white debris, and doves mixed in with both. I roll frantically, open my door and run as fast as I can away from the lobby. I exit the back door and see a bowling alley. People are bowling and buying booze. I am a little flabberghasted because just the night before it was a theatre. I remember following a young woman in a purple dress outside. She was crying, her boyfriend commanded her into the car. It was an expensive looking car. Her hair was done up in a nice looking bun. She saw me come to her rescue and she smiled and wiped her tears away and got into the car. Regardless of last night it was currently a bowling alley. The person behind the bar was an old friend. He offered me a beer. I drank a couple sips and thanked him before running out the far door and seeing my world. I was 20 years in the past outside of a thrift store wearing a varsity jacket and remembering when this thrift store used to be a bowling alley when I was a kid.

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It was very long, I was a part of a sort of wedding or celebration. But then me and my friends were no longer welcome. An older man, around his 50’s, was helping me. He was charming and showing me around the mansion as he was helping me escape. But there were large glass windows everywhere so outside guests saw us. I was in a white gown and he told me to run. As I was running down the stairs a strange man grabbed my arm and I couldn’t fight him off until my friends came back and helped me. I under up gagging him until he let go. Me and four other girls escaped the house and the police were waiting outside. Then we heard singing, and we knew the song and began running to a shire that was designed for Hecate. We had to stop the water flow by blocking it with rocks to be able to hear her speak. Then the whole shrine was filled with all sorts of people and hecate was talking to them. There was no physical figure, just a voice. And then I said I wanted the girls from the house to go up as a group and speak to her. We went up, holding hands, and each girl was given a symbol. One girl was the moon, one the sun, and earth. And another one was light or something. But I wasn’t given a symbol. I was told there was none left. I was devastated. I was a part of the traumatic experience that the other girls in the house were a part of, but I was not talked to. The crowd began shouting, wolf , wolf , wolf! As if telling Hecate that there was one more symbol to give and that wolf could be given to me. But she disagreed and I stepped off the shrine. I woke up with tears in my eyes.

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